If you are following me on social media, or know my personal life because we are friends, you might have noticed my bitching on social media in the last few weeks. I’ve said a few times, that January was a complete shit show on a personal level. Got myself physically and emotionally exhausted, then when it seemed like I’ve got a bit of time to catch up to myself, life dealt me another punch in the face and that kind of broke me and left my pieces on the floor in tiny pieces. And although I’ve dealt with it pretty well according to circumstances, it’s going to be a long way to heal completely. It is what it is, life’s not always kind, and self pity is not exactly the purpose of my post.
When shit started to hit the fan and I was completely down, the few people I talked to about what was going on, said more or less the same thing: I have to take care of myself and first of all I have to love myself. Everything else will come after that. I remember thinking, “how does it feel to love yourself?”. I can’t remember the last time I actually was in peace with myself. Maybe when I was a small child. About the taking care of myself part they were right. In the last 10 months I focused so much on other things, that I completely forgot about taking care of myself, most importantly my mental health. No wonder I ended up being a nerve wreck. I decided it was time to get myself together and finally make the changes I should have done ages ago. To keep myself from dwelling on recent events, I set out planning out what I had to do to get better, to have the life I want to have.
But I have absolutely no idea where to start. Here I sit in my room, crying because I feel so utterly alone and invisible. I wish I could talk to someone, but everyone has their own friends, and family and life and I don’t want to keep going to them and talk about my miserable self becuase it feels like I’m burdening them. I keep thinking they are just being nice and don’t want to say “fuck off already”. I always used to have one or two people who were close to me and could chat to them anytime. But these days I don’t have anyone like that. I’ve always felt alone and separated, but it’s been a while I felt as bad as I do now. I can’t help thinking, what have I done to deserve this? Why am I the one feeling alone? Why am I the one who always keeps maintaining relationships? Why am I the only one who cares? The more I think about this, the sadder I become and although I’m not the crying type, it seems like the last few months made me a crybaby. I feel so lost. I try to find something positive, something worth pushing on, but I’m tired. I don’t know how could I learn to stand myself so others would maybe do the same. I don’t know what is it in my personality that keeps everyone away. How others cope with things like this? How can they have such wonderful friendships and relationships? What am I doing wrong? Why is it that the people I care about always leave me behind?
It’s been a while I’ve been haunted by questions like this, but tonight it just hit me really hard, because even though I have a few hundred friends on facebook/twitter, there was no one I thought I could turn to for a little chat. Whether because I thought I imposed on them too much already, or because I just have no idea how to start a conversation with them. I always sucked at conversations. And life in general.
I’m always surprised when people tell me I seem happy to be by myself, travel by myself. In truth, I am not. I fucking hate to be by myself, probably because I hate myself. It was never really my choice to be alone, it was just something that happened to me and had to get used to. I guess at this point I’m just more accustomed to be alone than to be with other people, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy this way. I’m not. I need connections, I need a companion, I want to have someone close I can hit up anytime for a chat or just to hang out. I hate to go to concerts alone, I hate traveling alone. But I have to, because otherwise I really would just sit at home feeling miserable and miss out on more things than I already do. I want to belong to someone. Although, to be honest, it’s true I’m very picky, so I don’t let just anyone close to myself. Maybe I should be a bit more open toward people too and work on my anxiety issues as well.
I guess the first step should be going to a psychologist, before I get deeper into depression and anxiety and start to have stupid ideas. I felt fine in the last few days, and thought I don’t need help at all, but tonight proved that I was wrong. My mental state is worse than I thought and my personal life didn’t improve matters at all. I planned to write an inspirational post about the importance of self care, but I think I ended up proving how fucking instable I am instead. Or maybe I just need attention and love from that few people who are actually matter to me. And there are not much of them.