If you are following me on social media, or know my personal life because we are friends, you might have noticed my bitching on social media in the last few weeks. I’ve said a few times, that January was a complete shit show on a personal level. Got myself physically and emotionally exhausted, then when it seemed like I’ve got a bit of time to catch up to myself, life dealt me another punch in the face and that kind of broke me and left my pieces on the floor in tiny pieces. And although I’ve dealt with it pretty well according to circumstances, it’s going to be a long way to heal completely. It is what it is, life’s not always kind, and self pity is not exactly the purpose of my post.
When shit started to hit the fan and I was completely down, the few people I talked to about what was going on, said more or less the same thing: I have to take care of myself and first of all I have to love myself. Everything else will come after that. I remember thinking, “how does it feel to love yourself?”. I can’t remember the last time I actually was in peace with myself. Maybe when I was a small child. About the taking care of myself part they were right. In the last 10 months I focused so much on other things, that I completely forgot about taking care of myself, most importantly my mental health. No wonder I ended up being a nerve wreck. I decided it was time to get myself together and finally make the changes I should have done ages ago. To keep myself from dwelling on recent events, I set out planning out what I had to do to get better, to have the life I want to have.
But I have absolutely no idea where to start. Here I sit in my room, crying because I feel so utterly alone and invisible. I wish I could talk to someone, but everyone has their own friends, and family and life and I don’t want to keep going to them and talk about my miserable self becuase it feels like I’m burdening them. I keep thinking they are just being nice and don’t want to say “fuck off already”. I always used to have one or two people who were close to me and could chat to them anytime. But these days I don’t have anyone like that. I’ve always felt alone and separated, but it’s been a while I felt as bad as I do now. I can’t help thinking, what have I done to deserve this? Why am I the one feeling alone? Why am I the one who always keeps maintaining relationships? Why am I the only one who cares? The more I think about this, the sadder I become and although I’m not the crying type, it seems like the last few months made me a crybaby. I feel so lost. I try to find something positive, something worth pushing on, but I’m tired. I don’t know how could I learn to stand myself so others would maybe do the same. I don’t know what is it in my personality that keeps everyone away. How others cope with things like this? How can they have such wonderful friendships and relationships? What am I doing wrong? Why is it that the people I care about always leave me behind?
It’s been a while I’ve been haunted by questions like this, but tonight it just hit me really hard, because even though I have a few hundred friends on facebook/twitter, there was no one I thought I could turn to for a little chat. Whether because I thought I imposed on them too much already, or because I just have no idea how to start a conversation with them. I always sucked at conversations. And life in general.
I’m always surprised when people tell me I seem happy to be by myself, travel by myself. In truth, I am not. I fucking hate to be by myself, probably because I hate myself. It was never really my choice to be alone, it was just something that happened to me and had to get used to. I guess at this point I’m just more accustomed to be alone than to be with other people, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy this way. I’m not. I need connections, I need a companion, I want to have someone close I can hit up anytime for a chat or just to hang out. I hate to go to concerts alone, I hate traveling alone. But I have to, because otherwise I really would just sit at home feeling miserable and miss out on more things than I already do. I want to belong to someone. Although, to be honest, it’s true I’m very picky, so I don’t let just anyone close to myself. Maybe I should be a bit more open toward people too and work on my anxiety issues as well.
I guess the first step should be going to a psychologist, before I get deeper into depression and anxiety and start to have stupid ideas. I felt fine in the last few days, and thought I don’t need help at all, but tonight proved that I was wrong. My mental state is worse than I thought and my personal life didn’t improve matters at all. I planned to write an inspirational post about the importance of self care, but I think I ended up proving how fucking instable I am instead. Or maybe I just need attention and love from that few people who are actually matter to me. And there are not much of them.
The psychiatrist/counselor may be a good place to start. Hopefully the other stuff starts to flow from there. Hang in there. Hope things pick up for you.
Thanks! I guess everything just got to be too much. I actually felt better writing this post which helped. And I love this community.
It definitely sucks to go through this, Timy, and I know it is not easy (it’s definitely not easy to love oneself). I haven’t known you for long, but I have loved your posts and getting to know you a little bit through SPFBO. I agree that perhaps seeing a psychiatrist might help pinpoint where these feelings are coming from and help you brainstorm on how to truly take care of yourself–which I agree, is important; just as it is hard to pinpoint exactly how to do that.
I am rooting for you! Please remember you are never alone, even if your brain tricks you into believing so. And your brain is prolly tricking you into thinking people want to tell you to fuck off, as you say, when you came to them, too. I highly doubt those close to you are actually thinking that. Trust in them to tell you where their boundaries are and trust yourself to ask for help. Doing both, you WILL get better, I know it. <3
Thanks Nicole! Yeah, it does suck especially when I’m tired and everything just catches up to me and yeah, well, January was such an emotional roller coaster that it was bound to come out at one point.
I’m glad we got to know each other through SPFBO as well! Honestly, without the book community I don’t know where I would be today 🙂 💜
I think it also totally helps to express it and get it off your chest (and I’ve found blogging to be a great medium for that). Hopefully now that January is over, February can be a good healing month!
Right!? It’s amazing how powerful it can be and you’re such an important part of it. <3
It really does. I used to write a lot, which I guess helped to channel a lot of feelings. Sadly I don’t have the time anymore, except blogging, but that’s not exactly the same. I’d like to find my way back to it. Now I have a week off of work, I might get to work on that short story for which I have the first draft. We’ll see.
Aww, thanks 💜 Trying to do the best I can, I guess 🙂 Practically almost all of my friends are from the community now, and I’m only part of it for 10 months O.o
Yeah, I don’t know what I would do without writing, honestly. Hopefully you’ll be able to make more time for it, especially if it helps! Good luck on that short story, if you get to write it!
That’s all any of us can do. <3 That's both impressive and amazing!
I definitely plan to make room for it. I’m about to receive two books in which you have get to prompted to write about things. 642 Tiny Things to Write About and 642 Things To Write About. They seemed like fun and hopefully it’ll help me to get back the creative spark and write more. I also definitely plan to finish that damned short story this year 😀
That sounds awesome! I hope they are both exactly what you need to help get that writing spark going again! <3
Aww, that makes me feel so sad that you feel these things and I want to give you a hug right now – virtual hugs will have to do. I think seeking help is a really good idea – I wish I had some words of wisdom but to be honest I’m always worried about making things worse. What I will say is you can always talk to me – DM me on twitter. I think you probably have a lot of good friends in the book community but I guess that can feel remote – still, having somebody to talk to can’t be underestimated. I hope February is a much better month for you.
Thanks Lynn 💜 Yeah, thankfully I have quite a few friends in the community and it totally saved me nearly a year ago when I started my blog and got to know all these awesome people. I guess what makes things hard for me is that I don’t have anyone close at home. I have all these awesome people all around the world to have my back but it’s not that easy to meet up with them in a moment’s notice when I feel like going out or something. So I feel isolated and that not helps when I’m down 🙂
Yeah. I completely understand where you’re coming from. But on the other hand you have so many people who are now available to talk to you at any time of the day, from anywhere in the world which is kind of amazing. I love the camaraderie and the sense of belonging but I get you feeling isolated. It’s tough in that respect. But. All I can say is, at the least, when you’re feeling lonely, reach out. Lynn 😄
I know we haven’t really talked, just a brief bit on how much I like your blogger name, but in what I hear you say about being alone, it reminds me of myself a bit. Until a few years ago, I have always been alone. I suffered some childhood trauma that made things difficult for me. It seemed like I couldn’t find a companion, or even friends, that were interested in me. If you decide to try therapy (which I highly recommend, let us know how that goes.
Hey, thanks for the message! 🙂 Yeah, I’m looking into therapy but it’s quite expensive and probably can’t afford at the moment. We’ll see. At one point I’m going to give it a shot for sure. I had a blog post last year about some of the issues which brought this out. Since I was under a lot of stress lately because of personal life, it was bound to come out and I guess I had lost it and had to write it out. Even though I planned to write about this topic beforehand, it was just a moment’s impulse on my part when I finally did. A kind of cry for attention. I’m trying to handle things differently these days.
Anyway, thanks again 🙂